kratos ~ back and better than ever (Censor avoidance)

2007-05-03 01:40:36 am

Made sense when i wrote, but i said that it didn't make much sense :p

Quote:

but as par usual, it came out unspecific and jumbled D: but ah well.

But agian, ah well :D i'm gunna write some more stuff here soon, in place of using old-esque stuff, i haven't actually sat down and wrote anything in a good month D:

-=EDIT=-

In sites was supposed to be insites o.o but Mozzila said it was spelled wrong and i couldn't be bother, at the time, to do that xD if ya could tell me how to spell that, that'd be great :|

Amani

2007-05-03 02:42:55 am

insights

Kratos

2007-05-15 06:47:40 pm

Thanks ^_^

Two questions :

Before you guys said that none of my work had structure, or something to that effect, i fixed that right?

Also, did i need to bump this or whatnot, cause i've been pretty busy?

arkarian

2007-05-15 09:48:25 pm

red chamber dream

Quote from Kratos:

Also, did i need to bump this or whatnot, cause i've been pretty busy?

Er ... what?

Kratos

2007-05-16 01:16:24 am

Bump the topic, ya know, make nonsensical posts to keep it "active". A lot of forum's look down on it, so i figured i'd ask first. Also, what is the point a topic is considered "dead"?

JaggerG

2007-05-16 03:47:40 am

Shifty Leader

That M2k2 guy

It's considered a pointless bump if there's nothing to add. If I read your post right, you had gone back and updated your stuffs.

And a topic is "dead" if nothing can be added to it (most commonly noted by the Lock icon, representing a bullet hole).

Kratos

2007-05-16 05:41:15 am

Rock on, a lot of other places put dates on it, like a week of no posts or whatnot. That being the point of a 'bump post', always hated that concept.

By the by, i got about 7 lines left, i'll edit it into this more than likely.

Kratos

2007-05-25 12:53:43 pm

Ditched what i was working on, ended up all angsty and sounded manufactured when it was said and done. Working on something else and wanted to know if ya'll think it'd work.

Okay this is what i have <still>:

++++++++++++++++

Hand in hand
Heart to heart
Ashes to ashes and
dust to dust

All of me
All of you
Forever together
All of us

++++++++++++++++

Wanted to know if changing the form a bit, something like: 5|6|6|7| for two stanza's and write two more in the 3|3|5|3 i was using.

P.S. You guys think rhymes are absolutely needed, or make it better, cause i hate rhyming

SABERinBLUE

2007-05-25 01:44:06 pm

Cook of the Sea

Um, that's gibberish.

arkarian

2007-05-25 04:11:53 pm

red chamber dream

I like my poetry to rhyme. Otherwise, I don't consider it poetry unless it has intensely great form (many people disagree with this view, but I just don't see a difference between prose and "non-rhyming poetry"). As for your "poem", Saber got it right: that's not poetry at all. It doesn't even make sense in any way. There's no progression from start to finish. And it's as equally angst-ridden as anything else you've ever done.

Kratos

2007-05-25 05:05:54 pm

Hmmm...don't see how it's angst, but anywho, no one said anything about the structure thing, whether this is crap or not, for future reference:

|5|6|3|2|
|6|7|4|3|
|6|7|4|3|
|5|6|3|2|

Workable?

P.S. i'll try to see if i can work some rhyming :x

arkarian

2007-05-25 09:15:35 pm

red chamber dream

What do those boxes/numbers things mean?

Kratos

2007-05-25 09:28:01 pm

|5|6|3|2| <----- Stanza (IE four lines a stanza)
|6|7|4|3|
|6|7|4|3|
|5|6|3|2|
^
^
^
Syllables per line

So basically, in stanza one the lines would contain:
5 syllables in line one
6 syllables in line two
3 syllables in line three
2 syllables in line four

SABERinBLUE

2007-05-25 09:43:34 pm

Cook of the Sea

You're doing this too much by the book and it's coming out rigid and pointless. Try letting it flow a bit more without letting yoru emotions totally take control. It has to mean something to someone other than yourself; that's the challenge.

You're not getting it yet at all, but you're showing the right attitude and you genuinely want to improve, so I'm prepared to give you what help I can.

Kratos

2007-05-25 11:30:22 pm

Five in a row
Facing forward
Marching forth
Soldier's of fortune
Mercenaries in life

Living in fear
Life is a blur
Blink an eye
And your all over
Left to right - all in file

Hole in the ground
Heat surrounding
Together
Slipping out of line
############
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ain't got a last line, but what do you think of it so far? Wanna elaborate more with at least another stanza.

SABERinBLUE

2007-05-26 10:31:53 am

Cook of the Sea

Okay I'm gonna be dead serious, you've GOT to work on your spelling. Here's stuff fixed:

Quote from Kratos:

Five in a row
Facing forward
Marching forth
Soldiers of fortune
Mercenaries in life

Living in fear
Life is a blur
Blink an eye
And you're all over
Left to right - all in file

Hole in the ground
Heat surrounding
Together
Slipping out of line

I'm almost one hundred percent certain that there is no case in the English language of an apostrophe-s that ends a plural word, except when the word's an irregular plural like "women's" or something. Also, these words are correctly used:

I like your car.
You're the owner of a nice car.

They're in their car, which is over there.

About the poem, these lines don't seem to be interconnected in any way. As it is it's just a list of things, it seems thrown together. Make it work together as a cohesive unit. It needs to have a beginning and build to an end. Also: Why Five in a row?

Okay I'm gonna be dead serious, you've GOT to work on your spelling.  Here's stuff fixed:

[quote="Kratos"]Five in a row
Facing forward
Marching forth
[color=red]Soldiers[/color] of fortune
Mercenaries in life

Living in fear
Life is a blur
Blink an eye
And [color=red]you're[/color] all over
Left to right - all in file

Hole in the ground
Heat surrounding
Together
Slipping out of line
[/quote]

I'm almost one hundred percent certain that there is no case in the English language of an apostrophe-s that ends a plural word, except when the word's an irregular plural like "women's" or something.  Also, these words are correctly used:

I like [color=red]your[/color] car.  
[color=red]You're[/color] the owner of a nice car.

[color=red]They're[/color] in [color=red]their[/color] car, which is over [color=red]there[/color].

About the poem, these lines don't seem to be interconnected in any way.  As it is it's just a list of things, it seems thrown together.  Make it work together as a cohesive unit.  It needs to have a beginning and build to an end.  Also:  Why [i]Five[/i] in a row?

Kratos

2007-05-27 01:27:49 am

Yea i tend to do that a lot and i don't really look through it. Both with the commas and the spelling.

"Five in a row" is a personal reference to myself and my childhood friends, whom we were referred to as the 5 soldiers of fortune, because our lofty dreams of rugs to riches. (Which has nothing to do with the actually meaning of "Soldiers of Fortune", but we were kids and it stuck)

Supposed to be about the turmoils of life using war as a medium to represent everyday struggle, blatantly failed, but as you said, i get so wrapped up in writing, that it only makes sense to me.

Your was a singular reference, for the record. Crap-tastic line i'm going to remove. Off the top of my head i got "Drop of a dime" sounds a bit awkward to me though.

Kratos

2007-05-27 01:38:18 am

Someone, don't care who, give me a general idea of a theme and structure, and i'll write to it, cause making the structure as i go isn't working x.x and i want to try to steer away from my ideas 'cause i get to wrapped up in them :s

arkarian

2007-05-27 12:59:26 pm

red chamber dream

Don't double post.

Also, if "five in a row" is a personal reference to your childhood friends, you should talk about them or at least put something in the poem that explains why five and not some other number.

Kratos

2007-06-21 03:08:02 pm

Thanks for all the help, but i've been sick as the dickens and have been pretty lazy therefrom. i'll be back at it soon-ish i hope ^^'